By Jimmy Parker
Despite living in a small town that I have always considered to be one of the safest towns in America, my small hometown is not immune to violent crime and even people like my mother have started to take notice.
Despite my best efforts to shield my aging mother from the reality of the cultural destruction of America creeping into her small town, she still reads her Daily Record everyday and watches the local news on those days when she can find her remote control.
Recently, mom decided that she needed some protection just in case someone ever dared to threaten her home.
Immediately, I offered to buy mom a small arsenal to protect herself, including, but not limited to, surface to air missiles and rocket propelled grenades. But in the spirit of a Southern Baptist lady, mom has decided all she needs is a good baseball bat.
As of now, we aren’t sure if mom is going to go wooden or aluminum, but if it gives her peace of mind, she shall have one.
As for me, I’m not sure I would opt for the baseball bat, but mom insists that her swing is still strong.
This week I will be out of town for a family function, but when I return, I will take mom bat shopping and maybe even get her fitted for a batter’s glove.
I have no idea how well mom swings a bat, but when I was younger, I found out that my father was pretty solid when it came to swinging a leather strap, and my grandfather could swing a mean switch.
According to my own children, mom certainly had a solid stroke with the fly swatter, so my fears for her safety may be greatly exaggerated.
Another idea I had to keep mom safe came from Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot who announced that her city would spend $7.4 million to combat gun violence by trimming trees and picking up beer cans in high crime areas.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t plan on spending $7.4 million to spruce up mom’s yard, but let’s face it, the hedges need trimming, the grass needs cutting, and it’s entirely possible I may have crushed a few beer cans in the yard in my younger days. If sprucing up the property is good enough for Chicago, it can’t hurt at my mom’s.
All joking aside, I would like to thank my mom’s neighbors who help keep an eye on her whenever they can see over the hedges. I would also like to thank the men and women of the Erwin Police Department who help keep us all safe.
When I come back to town, I promise to take my mom bat shopping and spruce up the yard in grand Chicago style for the safety of the neighborhood.
Jimmy Parker lives in Erwin. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.